Fathers can do everything mothers can do except breastfeed, but their support in this is vital to how successful breastfeeding is and how long a woman will breastfeed. Men are their partner’s number one breastfeeding support person. If fathers feel excluded in the early days it should come as no surprise if they’re not involved later on, so women, make room for your partner, invite them in and encourage them to be involved. Bath-time can be a special time for dads and babies – their big hands mean they can hold babies easily and give newborns a sense of security.

For more information:

The Father and Child Trust offers support and information to all fathers on any dad-related issue. They help over the phone, have drop-in offices in Auckland (phone 09 525 1690) and Christchurch (phone 03 982 2440) plus they produce the Father & Child magazine quarterly, including a New Baby issue. Many articles from the magazine are on their website. They also run a ‘Fathers’ Mauri Ora Circle’ support group. In Auckland this runs every Wednesday night from 7-9pm at the Onehunga Community Centre. They also provide seminars and training on Dads and Babies, Engaging with Dads and Solo Dads for social workers and family agencies.

 Great Fathers is another website worth checking out. It includes a short movie, What’s it Like to be a Father!?!, featuring musicians Tiki Taane, Warren Maxwell and SJD and a Tips & Tricks Toolbox for Dads.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by stress, SKIP suggests trying one or more of the following:

• Take deep, slow breaths.
• Sometimes just accepting “I can’t do anything about it, it’s not my problem” is a relief.
• Be realistic. If you’ve got small children keeping the house really tidy is impossible. Set aside a time at the end of the day when you all put the toys away together.
• Exercise. Set yourself a goal – maybe walk three times a week or 15 minutes digging the garden.
• Set aside some time for yourself. Sit and read a book for 10 minutes, or phone a friend. Don’t spend all the time your children are asleep rushing around trying to do things.
• Join a Playgroup, Playcentre or Kohanga Reo. Find support by talking with other parents.

Try to set up routines so you don’t have all the chores piling up on top of each other. Be prepared to alter routines if something more fun comes up though! Set yourself small goals so you feel you’ve achieved something every day. For example, you could aim to throw out everything in the fridge that is past its use-by date. If you are asked to do something that will make you stressed, say no.

When it comes to coping with the major setbacks and bigger challenges, we need something experts call ‘resilience’. Resilience is one of those life skills we want our children to have so they can cope with disappointment; it’s like a suit of armour that will protect them in the years to come. We build resilience in our children by being consistently available to them, and by creating islands of quality time, such as playing finger games, pitching a tent on the lawn together or playing hide and seek. Parents sometimes worry that giving children extra attention, affection and comfort will result in them becoming ‘clingy’ but the opposite is true. The children who grow up to be secure, resilient adults often had the most responsive parents.

For helpful tips on coping with stress, visit SKIP

Barnardos has advice on helping your child cope with stressful situations and avoiding stress during family celebrations.

Brainwave Trust Aotearoa has many articles on stress and resilience including one of Stress: the good, the bad and the ugly

Family violence is not just physical; it can be sexual, emotional or psychological as well.

Even if children are not directly victims of violence, violence affects them as onlookers. It can inhibit their ability to learn and to have a normal life. The brains of children who grow up in an abusive home can be 20% – 30% smaller than the brains of other children and will have fewer connections. Children can also have emotional and social difficulties. They often withdraw into their own world and in extreme cases may have mental health problems and enter into abusive relationships in adulthood.

Even babies in the womb are affected if their mother is subjected to violence or abuse. Her brain will release high levels of stress hormones into her body alerting the baby they are coming into a dangerous world. These hormones are now known to affect the developing brain of the foetus and they’re often born aroused, difficult to settle and over-react to any stimulus. There is no such thing as ‘too young’ when it comes to the effects of family violence and sadly statistics show that many women are often abused for the first time during their first pregnancy.

Getting Help

If you are scared for your safety or the safety of someone else, call 111. If you are experiencing violence, tell someone – a friend, family member, workmate, teacher, employer or health professional, or a family violence prevention service.

Women’s Refuge offers free advice, emergency accommodation and confidential advocacy services to women and children. You can phone them any time of the day or night on 0800 REFUGE.

For more information and help, phone the Are You Ok Information Line on 0800 456 450. Help is available seven days a week, from 9am to 11pm, with an after-hours message redirecting callers in the case of an emergency.  Their website  is another comprehensive source of information.

KIDshine (previously the Child Crisis Team) is an Auckland-based  rapid response service for children who have witnessed domestic abuse. Families are pro-actively offered this free service, which is provided to them in their own homes. Shine also runs a free national helpline 0508 744 633 and offers many other support services.

Barnardos has information for families about domestic violence, including protection orders and family court. 

‘Disability is in society, not me; I have the right to dignity, to develop my potential, to use my qualities and skills.’

Disabled people say others’ attitudes and behaviours can be as big a barrier to participating in society as physical and mental barriers. We can all play a part in making the lives of the one in five New Zealanders living with a mental, physical or intellectual impairment, easier.

Where to go for support:

Parent to Parent offers information and support for families who have a child with a disability, special need or impaired health.

CCS Disability Action offers services and support for anyone with a disability.

The IHC offer advice on living with an intellectual disability.

The NZ Health and Disability Commissioner promotes and protects the rights of consumers who use health and disability services, helps resolve problems between consumers and services and improves the quality of services.

The Office for Disability Issues ensures government keeps faith with the New Zealand Disability Strategy, by promoting the participation and inclusion of disabled people in our society.

Voice Thru Your Hands (featured in our story), is a not-for-profit organisation promoting sign language for hearing children with communication difficulties.

Paul Flanagan teaches counselling at the University of Waikato, following a number of years in family and child counselling. As a counsellor he has supported many children and parents/caregivers around the area of sexuality: in response to children’s sexual interest, activity and sexual abuse, and adults’ fear and awkwardness about how to respond. His particular research focus is about understanding children’s interest and activity in sexuality – as adults often react with unhelpful, negative conclusions. A father to three sons, with Fiona (a midwife), Paul hopes to encourage adults to be more enquiring with children about all areas of their lives. You can contact him at paulf@waikato.ac.nz